How do I cope as a friend?

Having a friend with cancer can stir up a lot of emotions, and that's completely okay. You're not alone, and there are things you can do to feel a bit steadier along the way. Here are some helpful approaches for you to cope with this difficult time.

Name  and acknowledge your feelings. You might feel scared, sad, angry, helpless, confused, guilty for still enjoying life, anxious about the future and all of these are normal. Loving someone who is hurting hurts too.

Talk to someone you trust. Don’t hold it all inside. It helps to talk to a close friend, a parent or trusted adult, a counsellor or support person or even writing in a journal if talking is hard. You can say something like: “My friend has cancer and I’m finding it hard. Can I talk to you about it?”

Take care of your own body and mind. Stress affects you too. Try to sleep enough, eat regularly, move your body (walk, dance, stretch), take breaks when emotions feel heavy and breathe slowly when you feel overwhelmed.  

Do something helpful for your friend (but keep balance). Helping can make you feel less powerless. You can send messages, voice notes, or memes. A meme is a funny picture, video or text message that will make your friend laugh and will make them remember everyday situations. You can also make a playlist for them with some special songs you share. Draw or write something meaningful and visit if possible. It is important to first ask the parent or caregiver if you are allowed to visit. Just listen when they need to talk and remember that you are their friend, not their therapist or doctor. It is okay to care without carrying everything.

Protect space for your own life too. You are allowed to laugh, see other friends, do hobbies, have good days without feeling guilty. It does not mean you care less.

Learn a little, but don’t google everything. It’s okay to learn the basics about cancer, but reading worst-case stories online can make your anxiety bigger than reality. If you want information, ask a doctor, adult, or trustworthy source instead.

Get support if you notice that you are carrying too much alone. Warning signs that you need help is constant worry you can’t stop, feeling hopeless or numb, trouble sleeping for many nights, not enjoying anything anymore, wanting to withdraw from everyone. You don’t have to carry the load alone and there are people who can help you. 

Read more about coping with these feelings, in this article:

MacMillan Cancer Support. (n.d.). Your feelings when someone has cancer.